– XXIII –

Is there anything about Dominance, either your own or what you see in others, which you question, dislike, or are repelled by? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own Dominant needs and desires?

Honestly, if I was repelled by anything in MY Dominance, I’D stop doing it. After all, I don’t do anything that I don’t want to. Still, it is a good set of questions today because there are things that I don’t agree with in the Dominant Community. So, settle down, bub, I’M entitled to MY opinions here on MY site. I’M sure you have things you don’t necessarily agree with as a Dominant or as a submissive who has experienced Dominants. As with any societal sect, Dominance is not immune to the dangerous, the irritating, and all manner of folx in-between.

Below are things I question, dislike, and am repelled by within the Dominant Community based on my forays throughout.

Gatekeeping. As a Dominant, I understand that I am looked to for guidance when it comes to scenes and dynamics. That doesn’t mean I’M THE Authority on all things scenic and dynamic. I do things MY way. I keep consent and safety at the forefront of MY Dominance, everything else is based on MY experience and the agreed-upon details with a submissive. Dominance varies between Dominants, there is no One True Way to do anything. True, one can learn a certain thing like flogging or fostering a D/s dynamic but there is no leading authority from which to obtain validation or certification. A Dominant who touts themself as the ultimate authority deserves a raised eyebrow and warrants intense interrogation. These are the folx who say someone isn’t a “real” Kinkster or a “real” Leatherperson if they don’t abide by someone’s highly subjective standards. Should something not fall in line with their rules, it is incorrect and invalid; case in point: The movie Pillion was divisive in its stark depiction of a D/s dynamic and inspired intense discussion. Reactions ranged from adulation to anger to labels of abuse. Vocal members in the Community were quick to demonize the film, vehemently labeling it a horror show of abusive dynamics and dismissing it as D/s-lite catering to the straights. Everyone’s entitled to an opinion; however, who made these folx the authorities on dynamics and D/s living? While the film was great for instigating discussion, it also set fire to the brush so the more opinionated gatekeepers could scurry out into the open, shaking their fists and blaming the weeds for not hiding them better. Dominants who gatekeep certain ways of being and doing things are best avoided or at least held in contempt. BTW, I didn’t see Alexander Skarsgård as “impossibly handsome“; he’s attractive, sure, but I can think of three to ten handsome fellows who curl SIR’s cheese slices better, if you know what I mean.

Pay no attention to the man behind the keyboard. Picture it. You’re on an app. Let’s say, Recon, and you receive a message from a faceless, relatively blank profile with a 100% Active rating: “hello slave/faggot/sub/etc.” It’s a tale as old as the internet’s birth: Guy wants to Dom, guy gets a computer and adopts a Dominant online persona, guy hits up curious submissives and proceeds to take them on his Magical Mystery Tour of online Dom fuckery without taking the time to meet or know anyone. He never intends to meet you but orders you to send him tribute to show your obedience. I’VE got the cringe just thinking about it but this is a regular occurrence on any app. Before X shit the bed, it was a breeding ground for CashMasters: Pit-showing, sole-throwing, middle finger-flashing muscle bros that ordered susceptible CashFags to send them tribute for the “honor” of serving a Master that looks just old enough to buy his first pack of Marlboro Reds. I can’t say that I support the practice especially if the Master looks like he just graduated high school. The interwebs are rife with these online Doms. While I don’t receive these messages myself, I have friends that do and I cringe every time I hear about this sorta thing. Personally, I would never assume someone is submissive online, nor would I start out calling them a name that they did not consent to.

Disrespecting and disregarding submissives. When I was first starting back into MY Dominance following the pandemic, I was on Recon a lot and messaged folx from the world over. Many of them were submissive men who were looking to connect with a Dom. I was glad to be a resource for them and allowed them a sounding board for their experiences. Some were doozies and it helped ME understand what makes a Dom bad. Tales of being strapped to a cross and left there with no regard for safewords, stories of submissives incurring serious injuries because a Dom wanted to push their limits without asking. These men told ME of their experiences and every story left ME feeling remarkably angry. Some were still willing to put themselves out there, others were guarded because of the harm done. I empathized with every one and vowed to be better. Dominance is more than having sway over someone, it’s taking into consideration someone’s needs, wants, limits, and desires. It’s building trust and rapport with someone who wants to give themselves over to you. It’s honoring that “gift of submission,” that “capacity for devotion,” and holding space for them to feel safe and free to open up. It’s taking the responsibility of holding someone’s mind and body in one’s hands, taking the greatest care to ensure nothing is neglected while embarking on a shared journey of discovery. It’s really listening to someone and understanding what it is they are seeking from ME as a Dominant. It’s all of these things and much more.

Finally, there has never been a time that I questioned or resisted MY Dominant needs and desires. I am a Master of MY own devices and hold MYSELF to high standards. Dominance is not just a thing I do in the dungeon or in the dynamic, it’s a way of living that entails certainty, consistency, and conscientiousness. The Dominant life is work; however, it is all a Labour of Love, I would not be living this life if I wasn’t enjoying the fuck out of it. I try to show MY submissives that they are a part of this Love, this Body of Work that is MY Dominance.

Yours In Leather,
SIR Aaron Wolf