– XVII –

What does trust mean to you in the context of Dominance? How do you inspire trust in your submissive?

Did you know that I play the guitar? You probably don’t, I haven’t picked it up in some time but, when I do, I enjoy the familiarity of it. I learned in high school and kept at it. I’M still not very good and I’M more of a chord-player than a string-picker. I prefer chords because they allow ME to sing which is the point of it for ME. I can read a guitar tab though and that’s just about enough. I’M no Yngwie Malmsteen but I can still strum in intro to the Smashing Pumpkins‘ 1979. I was so fooken proud when I got that one down. Man…

What does this have to do with trust? Almost nothing, but that’s not the point of why I told you about my misadventures in guitar…ing. The main point was that I learned the intro to the Cure‘s Trust from Wish. It was no easy feat because the intro is comprised of a piano and I pushed MYSELF to learn how to play the piano riff on guitar strings. It was daunting but the result was pretty beautiful. Trust is one of those songs I listen to when I need some dark comfort, when the world feels like it’s draped in soot and grey. Sometimes, SIR’s heart needs to feel broken to feel whole again; it makes sense to ME.

Trust is crucial to this Dominant, it’s part of the bedrock of MY Dominant World. Without trust, I cannot seek to access the needs, wants, and desires of a prospective submissive. Without trust, there is no stability to a dynamic. For ME, Dominance without trust is like aiming to air fry a split chicken breast but leaving out the chicken, and snorting the blend of savory spices instead. True, there is some sustenance but I’D rather have a juicy slice of chicken instead of nostrils rimmed with sea salt, tarragon, pepper, and oregano.

In MY very young days, I was a very trusting person but age has wizened ME to be infinitely more selective with the things I allow into MY life. I do not trust anyone implicitly, it has to be earned and maintained. MY Dad tells ME sometimes that I’D make a good Buddhist because I’M often living in the now, in the moment, MY attention paid only to the world within MY immediate view. The same goes for people. One can establish trust and maintain it but time and absence can bring things back to Apricot One. I can know you but I can’t trust you as much as I did before we took a break.

As far as inspiring trust in submissives, it takes effort, not in the sense that it’s difficult. Rather, it’s actual work, good work, because every submissive’s journey is different. Thus, when a prospective comes to ME, I have to get to know more about them to gauge where they’re at and what they are seeking. Someone who has had negative experiences with other Doms likely won’t be as trusting as someone who has had more positive encounters. I strive to take time to understand where someone is coming from so that. Here are a few tips on how I strive to build trust with folx:

• Transparency. I work to be as open and honest about who I am as much I can. I built this site to open MY heart and mind to anyone interested in learning more from a Dominant’s perspective. In the dungeon, I am open to showing MY tools to curious folx wanting to experience MY methods of play. I’M not holding on to any BDSM gnosis; I’M merely willing and able to share what I know and enjoy with any one wanting to know more.
• Authenticity. When I first entered recovery, I was introduced to the phrase, “Fake it til you make it,” and it made sense at the time. I was a bloody wreck and making it meant scraping together the ashes of MY former life so I could learn to want to live again. In the context of Dominance, faking it will only go so far before a submissive figures things out. The Community will also figure it out and quick. To address this, I dove into building up MY knowledge and experience before walking into a dungeon. Then, I expanded MY repertoire as I learned. The concept of authenticity is deceptively simple: Be yourself. What isn’t conveyed is how much work one has to do to find oneself to be oneself. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how to find yourself, that has be YOUR journey. I can tell you that the work pays off when you can say, “What you see is what you get,” and mean it absolutely.
• Audacity. Trust takes work, it takes action, and action needs drive. When it comes to Dominance, drive isn’t enough and that’s where audacity comes into play. Dominance requires a boldness, a resistance to norms in its assertions. It’s not a subscription to “Alpha” culture or mindlessly lording over others, Dominance (MY Dominance anyway) takes into account everything I am and everything a prospective submissive shares. When I started out, I had hesitations on dungeon play and on asserting MYSELF over others because I was conditioned to be less-than and meek. That stems from culture and bred-in norms. It wasn’t until I began to step into MY role as SIR that I found the boldness to occupy MY place in the Community. As a Leatherman, audacity is a part of the culture; as a Kinkster, it is a necessity.

As you can tell, trust is extremely important to me. Period. I had to learn how to apply it with care and how to inspire it without facades. As a Dominant, I cannot work with someone in good conscience if I cannot trust them. That requires openness, honesty, and authenticity. As tough as I am, trust is one of the few things I hold that is fragile. Once broken, it may never be restored. Part of it is me being a hard-ass, another part is protecting myself.

Not being a dickbag also works wonders in inspiring trust.

Yours In Leather,
SIR Aaron Wolf