SIR: noun, Used as a formal and polite way of speaking to a man, especially one who you are providing a service to or who is in a position of authority.
– Cambridge Dictionary –

The meaning of Sir runs the gamut and is based on the context in which it’s used. Reportedly an abbreviated form of Sire, the first documented use of the honorific Sir was in 1297 in reference to the title of a knight and baronet. Derived from the old French word Sieur, Sir was traditionally reserved for knights or those belonging to “members of chivalrous orders.” These days, Sir is used as a term of respect especially in the military where male-identifying commissioned officers are entitled to be addressed as such due to their rank. It’s also still used as an official honorific (i.e., Sir Elton John) in some place and can be used in sarcasm among other ways. With a history dating back to the end of the 13th century, Sir has made its way through cultures, colloquialism, and conventions increasing its versatility. For the purposes of, well, me, I’m going to focus on Sir within the context of Leather; specifically, my Leather journey.

Let’s begin then. I’m Sir Aaron Wolf, I’ve been in Leather for over 15 years and a practicing Dom just a little less than that. I came into Leather Life first and subsequently stepped into my Dominance a few years later. I’m a sadist and a sensualist, a gentleman and a hard ass; I care deeply for the Communities I am part of. I know that Community doesn’t always mean unity. I’m a minority (full-blooded Dine) within a minority (People of Color) within a minority (Leatherfolx) within a minority (LGBTQ+). I’m also a Veteran but, most importantly, I’m a proud Leatherman.

My assumption of Sir is relatively recent and I held back from adopting it for several reasons. The foremost being that I didn’t feel like I deserved to be called Sir. I’d set extremely high standards for myself when it came to adopting the honorific and the standards weren’t impossible, just very difficult to meet. Ask anyone who knows me and you’ll find that I am very hard on myself and set bars high when it comes to important goals. Speaking of goals, it’s an aim that the Becoming Sir series will inform you on how I came to be the Leatherman I am today and what it means (to me) to be a Sir and a Dom. You can say that the series aims to be a behind-the-scenes look into what makes this Dom tick.

First off, if you asked someone what they think it means to be a Sir, you’ll get answers running the gamut. Within the Leather/BDSM context, first thoughts likely circulate around the D/s dynamic: Sir dominates; Sir punishes; Sir tells me what/when/how to do something; Sir orders me around. If pressed, perhaps the thoughts become more profound, going beyond the initial hotness: Sir knows something about everything; Sir leads; Sir guides; Sir mentors; Sir loves. It’s fascinating and telling to hear someone’s understanding of what a Sir is as it provides a window into who they are and how they think of those within the spectrum of Dominance.

Second, there is ample literature out there in the Community and definitions of Sir vary from author to author based on the respective writer’s experiences. Now, I’m not getting into a discussion of the Old Guard vs. the New Guard; that’s not my intent. I subscribe to neither though I understand that my writing can be perceived as Old Guard-ish. Rather, I’d like to provide insight on how *I* came into my role as Sir Aaron Wolf and what it took to for ME to assume the honorific. I’ll be referring to the process as, “Stepping into my Dominance.”

So, what does that mean: stepping into my Dominance? Sometime ago, I watched an interview Tori Amos did for CNN back in late-2011 and she was in her Night of Hunters era. In the interview, Tori imparted some wisdom at the very end just as the crew was breaking things down. It went a little something like this:

“As you get older, don’t you capitulate to that thinking. You just step into your grace, you step into it. And, you know, the youngsters don’t have what you bring which is an awareness and knowledge. Please hold that head up high and just note that you can’t be 27 and be a great Queen.“

It’s the “step into your grace” part that’s stuck with me and I’ve adapted and applied it to myself as stepping into Dominance. To paraphrase Tori, note that you can’t be new to the Life and be a great Dom. For sure, I wasn’t, it took time and experience which I hope to impart as we go on this Journey together.

As a Sir, I feel I’ve a responsibility to share knowledge & give counsel to my Communities. This is a large purpose of the Becoming Sir series, to share with you my Journey with hopes you’ll find utility in the words I write. Note that everything I say here are MY views on Dominance and I’m not of the mindset that there is One True Way to do something, especially something as remarkably subjective as Dominance. Every Dom/Domme has their own story just as every sub has theirs. This is mine and mine alone.

In The Savage Garden

We exist in a Savage Garden, our lots cultivated by desire, love, loss, pain, a cacophony of magnificent stranges courtesy of the Human Condition. The blaring attention of the World urges Us to photosynthesize growths benign, malevolent, taboo, and renowned. Vines, petals, thorns, roots are fed by decisions as we choose to grow things of use, of beauty, or give the soil over to the wild, the weeds.

In the Garden and from our lots, life becomes an apothecary in which we craft potions and elixirs to combat or embrace experience. Dominance is but one of a myriad of mixtures and each mixture is as individual as fingerprints or stars. A Master’s garden varies from the Daddy’s, the Daddy’s from the Domme’s, and so on and so forth.

My Dominance is comprised of life lessons & observations. I’ve learned to be inquisitive, disciplined, pragmatic & caring and hail from a background fostered in solitude, sculpted militarily & threaded with empathy. My mind and my hands are almost constantly engaged. I’m gregarious, knowledgeable, sensitive & highly sexual. I have a deep love for Leather, for kink, for fellow Leatherfolx & for the people in my life. I constantly seek knowledge, more lessons, & more hot experiences. As a Dom, I’ve learned to hone my desires, fortify my limits & always keep myself open to the exploration of new paths. Finally, my Dominance is strengthened by maintaining a high degree of versatility. For me to understand Dominance, I needed to experience submission. I had to feel the pain to understand it so that I could better administer it my own way.

Responsibilities

As a Sir, I have responsibilities to myself, my subs, my folx, and my Community. Bear in mind (again) that these are MY views and may not be similar to your own.

A Sir:

• Seeks out opportunities to give back to his Community by volunteering, donating, or assuming a leadership role; doing so selflessly.
• Represents his Community when he can without fear of retribution, ridicule, or protest.
• Protects himself, his fellows, and his Community, being willing to engage in a fight if necessary.
• Picks his battles wisely by not engaging in drama within and outside the Community.
• Provides and holds a safe space for folx needing safety and support in a scene, in a bar, or 1-on-1.
• Knows when to lead and when to follow, taking initiative or standing in support.
• Takes pride in himself through the care and condition of his gear, his body & his bearing.
• Keeps his mind open to knowledge and understands there is always more to learn.
• Strives to excel at what he knows and enjoys the exploration of refining that knowledge.
• Knows everything about his gear such as its history, origins, and condition.
• Attempts to be prepared for any eventuality in-scene or in the Community with knowledge of resources and information pertinent to the situation.
• Supports those under his charge in their endeavors by attending, encouraging, and/or listening.
• Maintains a gentlemanly affect by being courteous, respectful, and assertive in all situations.
• Is highly sexual and not overt about it; he maintains his wiles and reserves the expression of sexuality when it is appropriate.
• Is direct with his intentions and in communication, eschewing vagueness and indirection.
• Takes the time to learn the history of his Communities to better understand what can be done to preserve and/or advance it.

As you can see, I take my role as Sir seriously. Being Sir isn’t like wearing a costume, it isn’t a role thrown on when the backroom beckons or the St. Andrews Cross stands ready in shadow. Sir is always there and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Conclusion

When it comes the practical application of Sir, a number of questions came up. Many of them as I was writing this post’s draft. It occurred to me that prospective submissives have asked me questions along this line and I’ve almost always given a politician’s answer: providing an answer without actually answering the question. That was in the beginning when I adopted the honorific, it was new and I felt uncomfortable being addressed as such. Somehow, it was easier to hear it while in-scene than to hear it on the street or during a rehearsal. Time has slowly shifted my mindset and I believe I’m ready to throw a bone on how to use Sir when you approach me online and in-person.

Online

Approaching me online should not be intimidating; however, if you choose to reach out and initiate dialogue with me, know that you’re being vetted from the first message. Your use or non-use of Sir are noted and are seen as an indication of respectful mindfulness. I prefer to be addressed as “Sir” or “SIR” and appreciate the person who uses Sir/SIR consistently throughout messaging. If you choose to use “sir”, know that I’ll put your inquiry on the back burner. Attention to detail is a valued characteristic, so is consistency and respect. Use Sir/SIR consistently and I’ll be more apt to keeping up dialogue.

In-Person

Practicality applies when you meet me, I appreciate being addressed as Sir when I am greeted, ask you a question, request a service, and give an explanation. Keep in that Sir can be overused and I find it daunting if not a little annoying when every sentence is punctuated with it. “Hello, Sir. Thank you for meeting me, Sir. I appreciate you giving me some of your time, Sir. Yes, Sir, I am, Sir.” At the point, I’ll probably use Peppermint Patty’s catchphrase when Marcie keeps calling her Sir, “Stop calling me sir!” I understand you might be nervous but know that you won’t placate me with endless Sirs, demonstrate your social dexterity and use Sir appropriately.

That stated, there are instances where Sir is required and those are when you are in-scene with me. Whether welted and strapped to the Cross or groveling beneath the boots you’ve just cleaned with your tongue, I do expect you to address me as Sir. In these occurrences, the use of Sir establishes the scene dynamic and actually enhances the scene for me.

Well, all that and I just love seeing fear, devotion, and desire in your eyes when you beg me to give you some more, Sir.