They say follow your heart, follow it through
But how can you when it’s split in two?
– Siouxsie & the Banshees –

If you’re reading this, it’s a certainty that you’re living a double life: The mundane workaday You and the hot Kinkster giving/receiving pain/pleasure in dark play spaces. Perhaps you’ve even found a way to allow the two sides to coexist; if so, my Muir cap’s off to you. For the rest of Us, myself included, the choice to adopt a Scene Name stems out of necessity. Believe it or not, Sir Aaron Wolf isn’t my actual name but it’s also not NOT part of who I am. In fact, Aaron Wolf is part family name passed down generationally and part memorial in honor of someone who guided me in the Leather Life. Over the course of writing the start of this series, I discovered an evolution in my own Name which I’ll get into more when I etymologize Aaron Wolf but first, I’d like to delve into the concept of the Scene Name.

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Look around, the world is full of folx using a Scene Name in one form or another. Actors/Actresses, clowns, musical artists, superheroes, advice columnists, drag queens, we are inundated with names designed to be more appealing, names to throw the curious of the scent of true identities, names to protect, to belong. This is no different in the Leather and Kink Communities.

Well before the advent of social media and the internet, the Scene Name was used by Kinksters to remain anonymous because, at one time, being kinky was seen as abhorrent. Sexual positivity was not a thing and being LGBTQ+ was something to be hated, ridiculed, and used as a sitcom punchline. Having served eight years under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT), I often witnessed firsthand how we (the LGBTQ+ Community) were viewed by those in the ranks. It wasn’t pretty and I tried to stand up against it without putting my career in jeopardy. If I were to apply the Scene Name concept to the military, I’d say it would be akin to a callsign which is used for security reasons.

Back then, Scene Names were necessary for Kinksters to remain relatively anonymous whenever they geared up for a hot night on the town. The Scene Name was also used to become known within the Community. After all, who would you remember more: Master Aiden or Charles Aiden Smith? Which one sounds sexier? As someone bad at remembering names without repeated exposure, I’d definitely remember the former more than the latter. The honorific helps immensely because, “Yes, Charles, please give me another!,” doesn’t have the same ring as, “Please, Master Aiden, give me more!”

These days, the Scene Name is optional depending on the level of exposure one strives for. In many cases still, it’s used to protect identity. The Pup Community is a great example of the use of the Scene Name and it works quite well. For the life of me, I will not remember most of the Pups I’ve run into, save my own, by hood or face but I will remember their Pup Name. Mostly because of the degree of thought and creativity a Pup uses to find their name.

Within the Scene itself, I’ve come into contact with other Sirs, Masters, Daddies, and Dommes. Some use their actual names with the respective honorific, others (like me) do not. One thing I’ve learned is to respect someone’s decision to use their Scene Name; I’ll get into some guidelines on Scene Names a little later. Before that, I’d like to impart some guidance to those seeking a Name of their own.

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Choosing A Scene Name

Ask yourself why you’re thinking of adopting a Scene Name. Is it to protect your identity? To establish a presence in the Community? Will it help you get into a better headspace when you are in a scene? Do you wish to differentiate between your vanilla life and your Leather/Kink life? Are you looking for something that is serious? Silly? Sexy? Whatever the motivations, rest assured there are universes of inspiration you can explore to pull your Scene Name from. Below are but a few of those sources:

• Fictional characters: Is there a character in a book, a film, a show, etc. that you’ve always had an affinity for? Mistress Lucy, Sir Negan, Master Logan, Domme Rowan, the creative world is the proverbial oyster ripe for the shucking. Perhaps you have a personal mythology you’ve developed and you want to emulate one of your archetypes. Make it so and make it hot.
• Hobbies & interests: Are you an avid gardener? A birdwatcher? Love geography or a given sport? Then, look for the name of a plant that resonates with you, if the common name isn’t interesting, check out its latin name. The same for birds or rivers/landmarks or the name of your favorite hot athlete.
• Myths & legends: The first thing that probably comes to mind are Greek and Roman mythologies; however, you can also pull inspiration from your own cultural makeup’s stories. Being Indigenous, I can delve into my Tribe’s creation and morality stories for names. Check out your family tree and see what seeds you can use to cultivate a great Scene Name.
• Other languages: Tapping into your respective culture especially if it has its own language is another great way to find inspiration. Think of your favorite color or animal and see if its translation resonates with you. Points if it is relatively easy to pronounce unless you’d like to be known as the Dom with the unpronounceable Scene Name that could morph into an unfortunate nickname.
• Special memories: Was there someone in your life you looked up? Someone who inspired you to be the sexy Kinkster you are now? Someone whose name brings up great feelings when you think of it? This can get personal and a little deep so it makes sense to take the time you need to find what you feel works, how you can honor this person who touched your life. Memories of significant places are also great points to explore.

Once you find the Scene Name that is right for you right now, here are some general suggestions on use by yourself and by others.

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Using A Scene Name

So, you’ve conducted a good amount of research and introspection and have settled on a Scene Name; what next?

• Be proud of your Scene Name and stand by it: You devoted time and energy into finding your Name, take a little to time to relish the achievement because that’s what it is. Even if you’ve decided your given name is your Scene Name, that’s still something to feel good about.
• Your Scene Name may change as you evolve over your Journey: Who you are now will likely not be who you will be in a year, two years, etc. so it makes sense that your Scene Name will change as you do. That’s growth. If you’re starting out in Leather and Kink, the name you wish to be known as may evolve as you establish your presence in the Community. You may even switch from using your actual name to a fictional name or vice versa. If/When you change your Scene Name, see the first item on this list.
• Get used to your Scene Name by using it when you’re out and about or in a scene: A great way to make it real is to order a bar pin with your Scene Name, pin it to your going-out bar vest. As I’ve evolved, I’ve ordered a new pin with each change and they’re great mementos of my Journey to Becoming Sir Aaron Wolf. If you feel set with the name, begin implementing it throughout your social media. You can announce it or initiate a quiet, soft launch, it depends on how much of an impact you’d like your Name change to make. There are no requirements on how to get it out there.
• Respect others’ Scene Names and their reasons: Everyone with a Scene Name has it for reasons and those reasons should ALWAYS be respected. After all, if you’ve made it this far and you’re thinking of adopting a Name of your own, think about how YOU would feel if someone disrespected your need to have one. Personally, I have a Name to protect my privacy; once I get to know someone better, then I’ll offer my given name. Chances are you’ll run into someone who’ll want to ask, “Yes, but what is your REAL name?” Stand firm as to why you’d prefer to be called your Name, be direct: “You know my Name already and that’s all I’m telling you.”
• Be prepared to explain how you came to your Scene Name: Depending on the usualness of your name, you may run into curious Kinksters asking the how and the why of your Scene Name. If you’ve done the work, you should know the answers and explain to either satisfy or scare away. Points if you frighten someone with the amount of detail you put into your explanation.

In the vein of the last suggestion, it’s now MY turn to explain to you how I came to the the name Aaron Wolf.

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Aaron Wolf: An Etymology

First off, I need to tell you that following the publication of this post, I will be updating the name of this site to reflect my evolution from Sir Aaron to Sir Aaron Wolf. I’ve quietly changed my socials and will be using Aaron Wolf from this point forward.

AARON

When I chose Aaron as my Scene Name, I did a lot of thinking and feeling before ultimately settling on him to represent me. Aaron is a family name that alternated between use as a first name and a middle name; I was fortunate to inherit it as the latter. My father was a junior and shared Aaron with his father who was his senior, I did not end up being a third but I did get my middle name. For that, I’m grateful. When it came time to step into the scene, I chose to use Aaron as a way to honor my family and maintain a connection to myself while still moving relatively anonymous within Community circles.

Derived from various Hebrew roots, Aaron is theorized to mean, “high mountain”, “mountain of strength”, “exalted”, “enlightened”, or “bearer of martyrs.” Growing up, I often wondered what my first and middle names meant and was intrigued by the latter. Looking back, Aaron made sense as its bearers tended to live with a sense of duty to do good. My grandfather was a remarkably intelligent man who did pushed back on the use of Diné folx in uranium mining. My father was a Marine and volunteer first responder who’d jump into a fray to keep the peace. One of my uncles (middle-named Aaron) was an elected official who wanted to serve his community. As for me, I was an enlisted intelligence sergeant turned military/marriage equality activist turned Leatherman. As you can see, nearly every iteration of Aaron’s bearer has had a mission to improve the world in some way.

Honestly, another reason I chose Aaron was that it was about time to start using my middle name for something. I’d carried Aaron with me my whole life and had never utilized him beyond an additional initial in my signature. Additionally, Aaron keeps me connected to who I am while providing privacy. It was a tad awkward at first but using Aaron has increasingly become natural, it just took some time and practice to break in the name like a new pair of tight Leather gloves but here I am.

WOLF

Evolution is cumulative, a subjective process comprised of choices, developments, fortifications, additions, deletions, and on and on. I look back at the start of my Leather Journey and see my own evolution from the pup cobbling together Leather looks from pieces acquired from Hot Topic and antique faires to the full-kit Leatherman stoically smoking Kristoff cigars next to his Pup and/or Daddy at the Bolt or the Eagle. From the newbie Dom hesitantly wielding his first flogger and paddle to the Dom today who can create a scene with two Leather-gloved hands, his voice, and stubbled, rough kisses. Evolution happens whether one wants it or not and Scene Names are no exception.

Wolf came to me as I was writing out this entry, this start to Becoming Sir. Initially, I wanted to discuss the honorific but it occurred to me that the name is perhaps a more appropriate beginning. After all, a name is the first thing we come to know about someone even before we actually meet them. That said, you know the first part of my Name, Aaron; now I’ll tell you about the Wolf.

Choosing the Wolf wasn’t difficult. The Wolf has weaved in and out of the gyre of the tapestry that’s my life and, as I wrote this, he pawed out to the forefront, standing vigil until I acknowledged him. The Wolf represents many things to me and of me.

For one, I am a Lone Wolf and this has served me well whenever I’ve entered spaces that have been less than welcoming or when I’ve felt like I’m the Only One. Being comfortable with who I am has lent this aspect of me a modicum of confidence; I don’t wallow in doubt or wonder what anyone thinks of me, not anymore. I know that I’m not alone and the Wolf has allowed me to embrace being alone without seeking the company or validation of others. The Wolf also knows when to run with a pack and when to lead or follow.

Another reason I’ve chosen the Wolf is because I have a strong Primal aspect. Growing up with animals, I have a strong connection to all manner of creatures that includes the coyote and the Wolf. If pushed into my Primal headspace, I become a Hunter, fiercely sexual and teetering on the edge of ripping someone’s throat out. Over time, I’ve learned to channel the Wolf not only in sexual situations but in everyday interaction. At the risk of sounding woo woo, I can feel the pull of the moon at its fullest, it’s like walking through a room of static electricity. I also get a charge from the scent of blood and the gravity of one’s fear. My Pup and Daddy have grown to know this aspect of me and know how to bring me back from really wanting to tear them apart.

My last point regarding the Wolf pertains to the last item of inspiration above: special memories. In the first years of my Leather Journey, I had a tough-loving mentor who provided me a safe, secure space to grow. I called him Gunny as in Gunnery Sergeant (USMC) and we connected on many levels. We were Veterans afflicted with PTSD, Leathermen, and Kinksters. From him, I learned the basics of living in Leather as well as how to survive days when the PTSD hit hard. Gunny and I chatted, called, and shared our experiences with each other when we could. When he died, it felt like I’d been punched in the heart. I sat in the back of recovery meetings in tears for weeks afterward with Kate Bush’s lyric on relentless repeat in my head: “If I only could, I’d make a deal with god and I’d get him to swap our places.” At some point following his death, I reached out to his partner and told him how much Gunny had touched my life and helped me keep wanting to live; he sent me photos of Gunny’s urn. Carved into the wood was his full name that included Wolf, his nickname. I knew him as Gunny who turned out to be a fellow Wolf whom I honor by carrying the name forward.

Conclusion

As you can surmise, the selection of a Scene Name is completely up to you unless you’re in a dynamic where it is given to you. In that case, honor the contract unless there is room for negotiation. For the rest of us, choosing our name(s) may take time and introspection; it might not and that’s completely alright. When I started out, I was Mister Aaron which changed to Sir Aaron when I adopted my honorific. Now, I am Aaron Wolf and I think that will be it for the time being. That’s not to say that I won’t choose to alter my name at some point later on. The point is I’ve given the time and energy to find out who I am and who I want to be known as in the scene. It wasn’t without a great amount of thought and that’s because I tend to overthink. There’s no great surprise there.

Finally, I wanted this post to be the introduction for the Becoming Sir series and also provide you insight into who I am and why I am who I am. Of course, being a Sir, I needed to impart some pearls of guidance to those out there looking to find themselves a Name. I know I didn’t speak much on the honorific and that is coming up. We’ll delve deeper into my thoughts on what it means to be a Sir and how I got to this point in my Leather Life. And I’m very excited to have you along with me.

NEXT: BECOMING SIR || THE MEANING