“Rock is about writing your own script; it’s all about pioneering.”
– Courtney Love –

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A while ago, I caught myself often questioning my courses of action before taking actually taking action by mapping out almost every possible outcome like a “Create Your Own Adventure” novel. Most of it was due to uncertainty of myself, my inner being, a deep-rooted insecurity that blossomed its thorny reaches at every turn. There was the fear of what others would think about what they saw and heard of and about me. And rumors, ah, the rumors.

As it turned out, I wasn’t as intriguing as I thought on account of my non-lasting impressions on any social situation. “Oh, I didn’t know you were there?” or “You’re weird.” This impressionistic impermanence would last from high school to the military where I excelled at my job but drastically lacked anything like social graces outside of the squadron. Give me a mission and I’ll work my brain down to the cells to get it done but put me in a social setting and I’d be searching for a drink, a corner and wait for a good song to dance by myself to (To this day, when I think of that, the song “Into The Groove” by Madonna comes to mind: At night, I lock the door so no one else will see. I’m tired of dancing here all by myself. Tonight, I want to dance with someone else).

Looking back as I’m doing now with a little bit of recovery time and a growing involvement in the world, this time has opened my eyes to my life. A retrospect of fear and crushing anxiety.

Before I got involved in the Leather Community, I held onto my desire to dip my toes into it for fear of being ridiculed and, to a certain degree, being sought out and punished for expressing myself. Like many, it seems, I was discontent with sitting back, reading, and gazing at Leatherfolx living out their own desires and dreams. It wasn’t until I started exploring that this sense of discontent began to lift.

Recovery has been teaching me to live life in the moment, to not fear the future and to be rigorously honest, not only in social settings but in EVERYTHING. Faith is also an attribute I’ve been developing.

And trust.

In my personal makeup, it augments ALL aspects of Leather Spirituality.

How else can you put yourself in someone else’s hands in a scene if you do not trust them? If you do not have faith that the standards of Safe, Sane & Consensual (SSC) are abided by? And faith. I’ve got faith that Leatherfolx will stand by me. Building bridges in the Leather Community takes time, one does not simply step into the scene and begin professing themselves grand poobah of Leatherdom. Instant Sirs and Masters do not an internet profile with a suggestive moniker make. As with recovery, we all must start somewhere and it takes effort to get where we want to be. More than that, to feel comfortable to our very cores that the path we’ve chosen and have been lead on are the best thing for us.

Making my bootfalls on the Leather Path begun just over the past year or so. In that time, I’ve learned to appreciate myself to a level where I can act with a minimal amount of fear and anxiety…well, at least on outward appearances.

The very first time I wore my Leather was in San Francisco. I could do so, however, with a high amount of confidence because (1) knowing anyone there was minimal at that point; (2) I was among a group of Leather-friendly folx and; (3) it was San Francisco. The release I felt was amazing. I got compliments on my chaps and a few appreciative glances from the members of the Leather Contingent (Yelling out my first “WOOF!” was part of it.). Coupled with a public flogging and whipping, I was about on fire with great feeling. I think it it took a lot of courage on my part to muscle past curious onlookers to volunteer my body for an impact play demonstration in Leather Alley. It was worth it. With my back tingling and my Leather hugging me, it was like the Divinities blessed me this rite of passage. Before recovery, I wouldn’t have been able to do this. And I took it to the next level.

Coming out in Sacramento meant risking overheat from September temperatures and over 10 minutes sitting in my truck wondering if I was doing the right thing gearing up to meet my buddy at the Leathercorps’ booth. I remember there was a full five-minute timeframe where I proceeded to talk myself out of stepping out citing that I hardly saw Leatherfolx at any local festivals, that the stars were just not in the right alignment, that I’d left my nonexistent hair dryer plugged in, etc.

“Screw it, you’re part of the Leather community now, jackass, now grow a pair and get your butt out of this truck and don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks. You didn’t get geared up for nothing and you’re sure as hell not going to let that effort go to waste.” That’s what the voice said to me which I am certain was the Divine Force talking. After YEARS of being in the background, it seemed like it took on the role of SIR. With that bit of tough encouragement, I stepped out and walked to the gate.

No one laughed, no one pointed and screamed, “OMG! What the HELL is THAT?!!” I paid the admission and found my friend, feeling nervous and relieved. Halfway through the crowd, my tension eased. I was representing, yo. The Divine SIR became DADDY as the voice gruffly whispered, “It’s all good, boy. Take a breath and relax.”

All this was less than a year ago.

Since then, I’ve relocated (after talking about it for TOO LONG) to greener pastures, attended Gear Nights, and will be learning how to flog. Funny how that goes. I couldn’t have done it without recovery and my self-realization as a Leatherman. To me, they’re both essential parts, equally important to maintaining my sense of sanity and equilibrium.

Taking it further, I may soon be attending school and getting a degree. Something I’ve been talking/thinking/BS-ing about for way too long. That, combined with the love and encouragement of my Divine SIR/DADDY and chosen family, I know that this path will only get better, hotter and boundary-breaking in many, many tantalizing ways.

Now, excuse me while I finish my admission forms and treat my newly-acquired flogger.

Originally composed February 13, 2009