Ten minutes might be a blip in time but for a young Leatherman living in doubt, ten minutes was more than enough time to let fear get the best of him. This is where Sir Aaron’s Journey really started, a public demonstration of submission that served as fertile ground for growth in Leather and in Life. Fear is powerful but knowing you’re stronger than you feel can push back the things that hold you back.

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There are times when the urge to gear up comes on and I find myself engaged in bedtime reading of books pertaining to the Leather Community, sometimes over a week’s time. This is one of those times.

Tonight, the Leathercorps is holding the inauguration of its new board and I’ll be attending as a member. A member…in a way, that just blows my mind. Seriously, there were many times when I felt like I didn’t have the moxie, the courage to join up with something like this, a Leather organization. But, here I am.

I’m often amused by the responses I get when I reveal myself as a Leatherman, as a member of the Leather Community. More often than not, I get a smirk or a raised eyebrow and no one asks anything further. Perhaps my revelation makes them nervous or maybe their imaginations are running wild with what being Leather means. It’s not like I’m going to throw them into a sling or break out a paddle right then and there. First of all, a sling takes time to set up and is way too expensive for me at this time. Secondly, I haven’t mastered paddling and, well, it doesn’t have the same effect as the hand. Thirdly, I’m not going to hide who I am, who I’m becoming. After eight years and then some of keeping my closet door camouflaged, I’ve decided to put it out all there in its well-conditioned, buffed glory.

I remember sitting in my little black Ford Ranger truck, in my Leathers outside the gates of the Sacramento Rainbow Festival, questioning when and if I should get out. Over the course of ten minutes, my self-doubt ran wild as I nervously considered the possibility that I’d made some sort of error coming out here all geared up. To be honest, I was scared because, at the time, I had never worn my Leather out in public locally. I’d worn it within the confines of my home and when I was with the Leathercorps but not outside, not out there among people who knew me. A lot of thinking can happen in ten minutes but then I backed up, took a breath, and thought, “Screw it, this is who I am and I’m gonna take whatever comes like a man, a Leatherman and just do it.” Now, I tell you, stepping out of the safety of my truck was scary but, as I made my way to the entrance, I began to feel better with each bootfall.

Before my doubtful episode at the Rainbow Festival, I had in fact worn Leather publicly at San Francisco Pride in June. I felt liberated being in gear in a place where I was relatively unknown, just a another visitor in his Leathers. I remember viewing the Pride Parade and noticed how small the Leather contingent was, this opened my eyes to the state of Leather Community at the time. When I made my way to Leather Alley, the vibe was wholly vanilla as curious droves crowded around the demonstration area. White t-shirts and shorts ruled the landscape and Leatherfolk seemed to be there merely for atmosphere. The demo area consisted of a St. Andrew’s Cross and other dungeon accoutrements. There wasn’t a demo happening because no one had volunteered…yet.

So, I bucked up and stepped up to be whipped and flogged for the demo; once it started, I’d never felt more relaxed. It was like a deep tissue massage for my mind and my body. This was my first taste of impact play and I was in such euphoria afterward that I think I must’ve drifted through the rest of the day. The fact that the demo was being recorded by tourists was the last thing on my mind, as it should have been.

Coming back to now, tonight is really a debut of sorts as an official member of the Corps. I’m nervous and excited. For one, I’ll be wearing new Leather and, for the other, my best buddy will be with me.

After too long of keeping myself from me, this is a big step. Leather, to me, is more than a fetish, it’s complimented my path of recovery.

One of the things I’ve been learning is trust.

To turn oneself over to something or someone has been huge. After years of living in suspicion, the walls are finally, slowly coming down. The keyword being “slowly.” Willingly passing control and learning to channel both body and mind into the process of trusting has allowed me to find a sense of serenity. Confidence in decisions and regard for consequence have stemmed from this process. I’m still learning because it takes a huge amount of energy to do so. At least, for me. For years, I’d repressed this side of me which, to my detriment, only served to shove me into an isolating abyss. Leather has taught me that expressing desire is okay, that sensuality and spirituality can orbit one another and share each other’s gravity in symbiosis, and that there can be a balance between the two. As a result, accepting the Leatherman in me has been a much easier process.

For me, meditation comes in the form of expressing myself through my actions. And through that meditation comes strength. As a standard, I don’t worship Leather so much as live it.

The hiding is done, it’s time to shine in all my polished glory.

And, if you’re curious, just ask.

January 24, 2009